The Collision of Two Conflicting Fears and then Boom! - A Photon is Emitted

(Moods before the Interview and the Call: Times of anxieties and job hunt scenarios.)

The fear of a job that is meaningless to me - 

The fear of dollar signs 

My room filled with bunch of stuff I don't need.

The fear that they may murder my inner romantic - 

my soul with eyes of a lover -

The fear of feeling stuck 

Suffocated, Choked, Dead. 

The FEAR of the clock 

Tick-tok tick-tok tick-tok - sssshhhh

Please let me sleep in peace! 

The FEAR of the boxes

Cannot keep looking at those boxed buildings

Little people in boxes 

Doing what they are told 

By mysterious powerful forces that all of us hate 

But we do what we are told. 

The boxes, the order, the system - 

Please break them all, make LIFE flow - 

Time is not a container

Please break the barriers, cross the lines, feel the flow. 

And then what? - THE OTHER FEAR NOW

Survival. 

Dad is retired. 

I must be able to earn for myself. I am more than old enough to be financially independent.

No work outside the system? Find a box and enter. 

What if I am already in my own box? In my own idealism? In my thoughts of breaking barriers. 

Something does not make sense here. I am missing some point. 

How do I break barriers if I don't enter the box? Cannot be done from outside. 

I must accept the ways of this world - 

Necessity dominates. 

Find the box. Fit inside. 

Necessity. 

Survival. 

Dollar signs. 

Now what? 

(Moods after the Interview and when the Call arrived: Times of my encounter with my new family and a way of coming home)

The two fears collide. I got a job last Friday at a place that said: 

..."supports women, girls and trans people and intersex people who fight for their rights. Activists who tirelessly and fearlessly make their voices heard. Who criticise oppressive or restrictive norms and practices, and lobby for fair laws. Who demand their political and economic rights, and insist on bodily autonomy."

The interview was called 'Starship ticket'. The job description mentioned something about ticket to Venus. I felt my imagination tickled. 

My inner child found himself in his familiar playground. They called to say that they liked my letter and would like to invite me for an interview. 

The letter. It was an honest letter. I remembered how I added the phrase 'Hail! Aphrodite' at the end of that letter, right before I sent it. That was no joke. I thought of Venus, Aphrodite, Mother Nature, my maternal ancestors, our mother goddess who is supposed to descend to earth from heaven on 17 of this month. I apologised to myself for ignoring my feminine aspects of my soul. I apologised to myself for not understanding masculinity-femininity beyond the binary sense of the terms. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened my arms to the blessings of the universe. I felt my deep desires for really doing something about the terrible things happening in this world. I wrote "Hail! Aphrodite!". 

Made Space 

Took my chances

Another adventure may be born from this womb. 

Mother used to say - "From known to unknown, always"

That is how I learnt algorithm and coding. 

Now again it is time for algorithms. 

Everything just worked fine-

Even though my blood group isn't really B-positive. 

Somewhere, in some infinite distance, some star had imploded - 

The call arrived -

My heart exploded - 

My spirits ran with the light of a million galaxies

Dilating time and bringing me to this NOW. 

I got the job. It is not meaningless at all. 

I heard voices of so many oppressed humans - NOW it is time to be a warrior. 

In that interview when I said my name means Born From Heart, my supervisor had said "In my language your name means being a steady rock in the middle of the sea" 

I wanted to be both. Let my love flow like the passion of the sea but I may also be a rock against many forces of social evils. I do not need guns, swords or bombs to fight. My short physical stature works just fine. All I need are some codes and algorithms, like mother had said "From Known to Unknown, Always". 

The inner child felt brave and not defeated. The inner child is in flight. 

Yet, a lingering fear - 

What if things get too much routine or structure? Will it kill my romantic soul with the eyes of a lover? 

The Annihilation is in process - 3,2,1

Moments within a moment

When Fears collide

A Photon is Emitted. 

First email of my supervisor - 

Subject: After Friday

How do you feel after Friday? 

With the winds of the distant galaxies....

With the winds of the distant galaxies - 

my inner child is awake

no one got choked/suffocated/murdered 

My heart danced in this whirlwind of many photons

When conflicting fears annihilated and - 

a dark night gently put me to sleep under a blanket of a thousand stars.